When It’s beautiful

It’s beautiful outside…and what am I doing? Sitting in my apartment…blogging. Why? I’m not sure. I love it when its pretty and I want to be outside but where do I go? My “balcony” also known as the place where I store my cooler is too small. And in about an hour there will be children on the playground next to me…and they will be obnoxious. So I opened all the windows and left my balcony door open. Good enough.

As I drove back from Starbucks…all my windows down…a song from the past invaded my stereo. Stained. Remember them? They rocked. They were a tad depressing as is most music that I liked when I was a teenager but alas, the memories. It’s funny how the same song, the same lyrics mean so much and nothing at all in our various stages of life. Let’s discuss shall we?

And it’s been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it’s been
awhile
Since I first saw you

Okay, so we are sad and depressed and we have been sad and depressed since “you” were last seen? I don’t know. It literally suggests that the last time we were happy was when we first saw “you.” But that doesn’t make any sense. Why would anyone continue to have someone around that makes them miserable? Oh wait…

And it’s been awhile
Since I could
stand on my own two feet again
And it’s been awhile
Since I could call
you

Okay, so we miss this you, because they make us feel like a real person and we miss being able to just call them to say Hey, what’s up!

And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may
seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve stretched myself beyond my
means

Ahh, so we pushed this “you” away (story of my life). Well now I get it…we gave them everything we had and then resented them for not wanting it. Again…this song is exactly what I do these days).

And it’s been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn’t
addicted
And it’s been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as
well

And now we hate ourselves because we are addicted to something. Insert whatever demon you are fighting, because this is so ambiguous.

And it’s been awhile
Since I’ve gone and fucked things up just
like I always do
And it’s been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear
when I’m with you

Okay, so we don’t damage ourselves as much when this “you” person is around. That makes sense. People can be great inspirations for wanting to be a better person. I myself find myself inspired by someone who can’t even realize the greatness of themselves. This can also be frustrating if that person doesn’t realize how important they are to you.

And everything I can’t remember
As
fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve gone
and fucked things up again
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go
away
Just one more peaceful day

Demon fighting is tiring. Sometimes we just need some peace. I think this relates to just about everything.

And it’s been awhile
Since I could
look at myself straight
And it’s been awhile
Since I said I’m
sorry
And it’s been awhile
Since I’ve seen the way the candles light
your face
And it’s been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you
taste

Clearly this is an intimate moment and yes we all miss that one person this deeply at some point in our lives. I think this particular stanza hits way to close home in my world. Sometimes I wonder how I could have kept this you in my life a little longer and I wonder if I am really better off.

And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
to be, I know it’s me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he
could for me
And it’s been awhile
Since I could hold my head up
high
And it’s been awhile
Since I said I’m sorry

Yep, this song means so much more these days…its the blues for sure. But a particular kind of smokey blues you have to sing while slinging back Jack and cokes. This deep self hatred is only for those who feel everything. They may seem like they got it together and you can’t break them…but you can and you did. And now every time they see you all that self hatred comes back. You are a constant reminder of how damaged they are and how much of it you caused whether you realize it or not.

When it’s beautiful these are the things I ponder. I think of you. I miss you. And I only remember about half the time we spent together. Mostly the times where you made me feel like I was nothing. When you pushed me away after I gave you everything. When you used me. Why do I miss you? Why? I don’t know. I just do and I hate myself for it.