How do I get into the business of writing when I’ve been out of it for so long? I have turned this blog…if you want to call it that…an online journal. It was huge when I made this public and I try not to post too much in the way of actual poems I want to publish because hey, this is the internet. But seriously I want to quit my job and write full-time. How does one go about doing this? I’ve looked into selling poems to greeting card companies which seems like it would be easy money. Well easy if my poems get chosen. I tried to write some last night. I forgot how hard it is to craft. I say craft, because writing in a stream of consciousness is pretty easy; especially if you aren’t thinking about quality of statements and just putting pen to paper. But ‘crafting’ the perfect line for a greeting card? Or really anything that takes honest work. Work I haven’t really done since college. Sure, I’ve spent many feverish nights scribbling wine powered rants. But they are inspired. I forgot how to inspire myself to really ‘craft’ everyday. Any advice fellow crafters? Where do I even start?
I used to think that all love was this amazing fairytale that ended with Patrick Swayze telling your Dad that “nobody puts baby in the corner” followed by the most amazingly choreographed dance number for the average amateur dancer. Sadly this is not real life. In real life, love is miserable. It’s all-consuming. And it leaves you completely wrecked. You become this shell of a person walking around town like a zombie picking up pieces of your soul. It can take years to feel like you’ve found them and then just like that one happy night you find another person to wreck you. It’s often fast and comes out of nowhere. I’m not sure I’ve ever found actual love. I’ve had a lot of fabricators in my life but I can say that there is one person that I believe could be real, actual, love and well it’s been miserable. Why? I literally did anything for this person. He asked, I said okay, I’ll help. Yes, at the end I felt stupid and used. But I remember that he hates ice cream and only eats sherbet. He doesn’t like confrontation. He has impossibly high standards but doesn’t know how to reach them himself. He is searching for the perfect life but he doesn’t know what that is composed of or how to get it. He has no idea what he’s capable of doing with his life. I’ve spent the last year and half trying to forget him. But one day he walks back into my life. He says Hello and I’m hooked again. All the crap he put me through and the time I’ve spent piecing my soul back together, gone. I cant stop thinking about him. It’s awful. Love is awful. I’m terrified of what I’m feeling. I don’t want to ever feel the way I did when he left the first time. Why can’t that be enough to leave well enough alone? Maybe faith is the answer here. Okay, I left the church a long time ago but maybe faith is the only thing to keep me from going crazy. I feel crazy. Love is crazy. It’s blinding, all-consuming and it will literally take over your life. I hope this isn’t the love everyone’s writes about. It’s awful. I have no desire to live in this love story. It’s too much. I feel like I’m living in a perpetual showing of the sad montage in all romantic comedies. This is torture. Damn you love!