yea, I am a bitch sometimes

So tonight, I went to the movies with some new friends. It was cool but kind of awkward in the beginning. I am a runner from anything that would be safe. I like dangerous, tumultuous, drama filled relationships. Why? I have no idea. But I do. And it makes meeting people very difficult. I put on this ridiculous front of straight up bitchiness and I try to find my inner Kinickie. Why not Danny? Well duh, a hickey from Kinickie is like a hallmark card. HA. I know I know, I find this weird wall building tough guy relevant because I do not like to be vulnerable I hate being out of control. Tonight, I was certainly not going down any romantic paths with anyone but the inner bitch came out. I saw myself being this awful mean person and I hated it. Why?

On the way home I decided that I didn’t care. I mean I think I’m pretty awesome and yea I’m a handful but who cares! This is who I am…and if you don’t like it then fuck off.

I am really not a bitch but this guy just triggered it in me. I haven’t been that fake in a long time but you know what? He’s probably not worth it. And actually, it felt good to be back. Because I’m worth a trip through the bullshit if you choose to take it. I am attracted to men who see a challenge and accept it. Because I would take that trip if I thought they were worth it. Easy is boring.

This is probably why I’ll be single forever.

Sometimes it’s okay to be Jackie

I am being an old person tonight and getting cozy with my TV.Pre-wine drinking I decided that although shallow Jackie from that 70’s show was if anything totally confident in herself. Yea, she had her moments of vulnerability but she knew one thing: she loved herself. I have my good days and my bad days and by no means am I on a Jackie level, but the older I get the more I realize I am pretty great and it’s okay to think that, no, it’s normal to think that way. Why do we have to be meek? Better question, how do we have to exude confidence and be the follower in order to attract men? Too much of either and you are crazy. Isn’t that what society has created? I think I have loved myself more now than I ever have in my entire life. Yea, okay I would love to be dating someone but I also love to be alone. It’s THE BEST. I don’t even know where I’m going with this, except that it’s more than okay to LOVE yourself and be a tiny bit obnoxious about it because who else can do that for you?

Also, I took a break from poetry for awhile but I wrote this the other day so enjoy or hate; whatever floats your boat.

Imagination is funny.
It runs wild. Creates problems. Lives between breathes.
It solves great problems. Creates new beginnings.
Imagination is silly.

I imagine you with her. No, not that you.
THE YOU. The oldest, wisest, you-est you.
I imagine you live with her. Not married. Because you would never settle.
You are happy. but you are searching. You don’t know
I search for you.

THAT WAS CREEPY.

I search for you there. In that summer,
beneath trees
in pools
by ponds.
I stay but
you will never return.

Yes, the oldest you.
The best YOU.

We sat beneath sky and smiled.
not at each other
but at the thought of a new sky.
I hope you find it.