When It’s beautiful

It’s beautiful outside…and what am I doing? Sitting in my apartment…blogging. Why? I’m not sure. I love it when its pretty and I want to be outside but where do I go? My “balcony” also known as the place where I store my cooler is too small. And in about an hour there will be children on the playground next to me…and they will be obnoxious. So I opened all the windows and left my balcony door open. Good enough.

As I drove back from Starbucks…all my windows down…a song from the past invaded my stereo. Stained. Remember them? They rocked. They were a tad depressing as is most music that I liked when I was a teenager but alas, the memories. It’s funny how the same song, the same lyrics mean so much and nothing at all in our various stages of life. Let’s discuss shall we?

And it’s been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it’s been
Since I first saw you

Okay, so we are sad and depressed and we have been sad and depressed since “you” were last seen? I don’t know. It literally suggests that the last time we were happy was when we first saw “you.” But that doesn’t make any sense. Why would anyone continue to have someone around that makes them miserable? Oh wait…

And it’s been awhile
Since I could
stand on my own two feet again
And it’s been awhile
Since I could call

Okay, so we miss this you, because they make us feel like a real person and we miss being able to just call them to say Hey, what’s up!

And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may
The consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve stretched myself beyond my

Ahh, so we pushed this “you” away (story of my life). Well now I get it…we gave them everything we had and then resented them for not wanting it. Again…this song is exactly what I do these days).

And it’s been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn’t
And it’s been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as

And now we hate ourselves because we are addicted to something. Insert whatever demon you are fighting, because this is so ambiguous.

And it’s been awhile
Since I’ve gone and fucked things up just
like I always do
And it’s been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear
when I’m with you

Okay, so we don’t damage ourselves as much when this “you” person is around. That makes sense. People can be great inspirations for wanting to be a better person. I myself find myself inspired by someone who can’t even realize the greatness of themselves. This can also be frustrating if that person doesn’t realize how important they are to you.

And everything I can’t remember
fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve gone
and fucked things up again
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go
Just one more peaceful day

Demon fighting is tiring. Sometimes we just need some peace. I think this relates to just about everything.

And it’s been awhile
Since I could
look at myself straight
And it’s been awhile
Since I said I’m
And it’s been awhile
Since I’ve seen the way the candles light
your face
And it’s been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you

Clearly this is an intimate moment and yes we all miss that one person this deeply at some point in our lives. I think this particular stanza hits way to close home in my world. Sometimes I wonder how I could have kept this you in my life a little longer and I wonder if I am really better off.

And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
to be, I know it’s me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he
could for me
And it’s been awhile
Since I could hold my head up
And it’s been awhile
Since I said I’m sorry

Yep, this song means so much more these days…its the blues for sure. But a particular kind of smokey blues you have to sing while slinging back Jack and cokes. This deep self hatred is only for those who feel everything. They may seem like they got it together and you can’t break them…but you can and you did. And now every time they see you all that self hatred comes back. You are a constant reminder of how damaged they are and how much of it you caused whether you realize it or not.

When it’s beautiful these are the things I ponder. I think of you. I miss you. And I only remember about half the time we spent together. Mostly the times where you made me feel like I was nothing. When you pushed me away after I gave you everything. When you used me. Why do I miss you? Why? I don’t know. I just do and I hate myself for it.

when a workaholic gets her mojo back

It’s funny, I used to believe the boldface lie that I was “focusing on my career” instead of actively dating. Ha! Now I know everyone I told that too was like yea…okay and I’m the queen of england. I work at Starbucks…yea, sure I’m the manager…but really who focuses on that? I have a very early day tomorrow. (4 am is a terrible hour to awake too on a sunday if you are not in the arms of someone.) On this saturday night on the couch I went against my better judgement and watched Think Like A Man. Otherwise known as the Steve Harvey version of Down with Love. Aside from the token white married guy with no personality and gross stereotype of every single character it wasn’t that bad. Now this could because of my recent man troubles but I digress….However I should say it wasn’t good either and made me angry most of the movie. I blame my Hollins University subliminal feminism on this.

There were 4 types of women portrayed: (yes I’m using the labels from the movie.)

the baby mama–She has a kid and is not crazy by the stigma of this label or even by the judgement of her fellow characters in the movie. She’s a completely normal woman

the commiter–lives with her 9 year boyfriend who is white and likes action figures and starwars (yep…nerdy white guy stereotype).

the one-night stand who really wants a relationship–pretty, easy…you know…we’ve all been there.

and the I don’t need a man because I am one (I will explain).–lives for the job and wants a man who makes the same as her and would be a gold digger if she wasn’t successful. You know strong and independent…but lonely.

The Men:

The player–new girl every night

The dreamer–works four jobs but is gonna be someone some day

mama’s boy–the most unrealistic character in this whole movie

the non-committal–boyfriend of the one who wants to be committed…likes starwars a lot.

Okay so I’ve probably dated 3 of the four guys…and I use the term “dated” very loosely. I consider myself and cross between the career woman and the one night stand girl…because honestly when your busy climbing the corporate ladder there is only one ass you can kiss and it’s not going to be anyone you’re dating. All the women in the movie are memorized by this book…apparently its so popular its sold out everywhere…but the guys have no idea it exists. Time out: really? REALLY?

Magically there’s a chapter for each character. The slutty girl meets the player and she decides she’s not a chirp chirp girl…nor does she have sex until 90 days after they meet. I’m sorry what? You are demanding the car door to be opened for you? okay, what is this 1952? You can’t open the door? Come on. The 90 day rule I was intrigued most by. Thats 3 months…3 months of absolutely no sex of any kind…yep no bases are being run to…you are on the wrong end of a no-hitter. Sex is important but if you want to be with someone why do you have to follow all these rules? I understand if you are some kind of jaded weirdo who trusts no one (I’m not looking in the mirror at all here.) But what if you fall in love with them in 89 days…do you have to wait? The movie suggests no…but then undoes that later. So I don’t really know what the movie’s actual take on the subject.

The second compelling story line is the career woman/dreamer match up. The classic oh, you are successful…lower your standards and fix someone. Because your feelings and needs aren’t important. No your job is to inspire your man to do great things…then he will have time to love you. WTF? This also correlates with the commitment couple…she tricks him into applying for a job and he decides he doesn’t need her until he has that first. I say again…WTF.

First of all, if I’m in a relationship with someone for 9 years and there is no marriage…there will never be marriage because well you two aren’t meant to be! One of you wants tradition the other wants action figures…get over it…move on. He clearly needed to be tricked into marriage and 10 years down the line you are both going to wake up and realize wow…why did we get married again? What a terrible idea. Let’s avoid divorce because we are too comfortable in our routine to be actually happy.

Second. And this made me want to throw something at the TV. Why do I have to lower my standards because society is telling me I’ve got money and cars and sweet apartment that I got on my own just so I can get married and have kids? WTF? Really? That wasn’t the worst…no the worst is when the baby mama told the career woman (they are BFF’s) that she doesn’t have a man because she is a man! WTF? Oh so because she’s successful and completely independent she’s a cold business man? I mean every portrayal of her was in a sexed up business suit or she was working out.  And on top of that they made her out to be a veritable gold digger who only saw cars and money. Oh that’s not a stereotype at all.

The worst was how everyone ended up happily committed in relationships that society would smile upon. They each got a significant other and the divorced narrator ended up back with his crazy over bearing ex-wife because in the end we all want marriage.

This whole movie was ridiculous…but how many times have we found ourselves being each of these characters? I am most attracted to dreamers…mostly because I am a dreamer also and I can’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t want more than what they have. But I don’t think I would go to the extreme of career lady who wouldn’t talk to a man who made anything less than 6 figures. That’s just insane. I also would not impose some ridiculous 90 day rule. If I love someone then I’m going to be with them. Plain and simple. I have learned if you don’t tell someone how you feel then you will never know how they feel about you. Games are stupid….don’t play them!

Every character in this movie figured that out by the end because the women who manipulated their men into dating them by the tricks of this book ended up being miserable at some point. Shocker.

I recently told someone how I felt. They didn’t reciprocate. But for the first time I’m not writhing in angst ridden pain. I’m okay with it. Why? I put myself out there…and it wasn’t that bad…in fact it was kind of fun. And isn’t that what finding your “soul mate” is supposed to be? Why would you wanna be with someone you didn’t have fun with? Maybe just maybe there is hope for me in finding love someday.